Hell is Virgin Media

So, I finally have home broadband in my new house after several weeks of trying to get it transferred from my old address. I could provide an incredibly detailed account of exactly what happened with lots of description and emotional reflection, but I just can't bring myself to do that. I started writing out a simple blow-by-blow account of my dealings with Virgin Media including dates, but I just couldn't bring myself to finish that either. So here's what you need to know: Virgin Media are the worst company I have ever had to deal with (and believe me, Hayley and I have had trouble with quite a few companies recently). Here's a selection of reasons as to why that statement is true.

• They have given me three activation dates over the past five weeks. On the first two, my account was not activated. The third I didn't want, but they put it in anyway without asking me.
• Told me various things that weren't true about problems with my order, and assured me they were true.
• Cancelled my account at my request. Except that they didn't cancel it properly. So when I tried to get a new account set up with O2 Broadband, O2 were unable to proceed as the line was occupied by my "cancelled" Virgin account.
• Told me (quite rudely) that my account definitely was cancelled even after I told them the technical details O2 had given me. After I refused to accept this, I was put on hold, and then told (rather sheepishly) that the account had now been removed from the line and would take a further 48 hours to clear.
• Sent me two bills detailing connection fees of over £80 each. Told me not to worry, as I would not be charged any connection fees. One then came out of my account anyway, meaning I had to contact Virgin again to request a refund, which was sent by cheque.
• Assured me I would be contacted by phone on several occasions, and never got back to me, meaning I then had to call them. Again. And again. And again.

If Hell exists, for me it will be perpetually trying to sort out broadband for my burning, sulphurous corner of Satan's neck of the woods with Virgin Media. I will never-endingly sit on "hold" listening to their eclectic mix of "hold" music (jumpstyle drum and bass one minute, classical string quartet the next - "Oh, look at us, we can mindlessly juxtapose genres, aren't we cool and down with absolutely everyone!"... No, you fucking aren't). And I will sporadically be put through to a customer service advisor who gives me another date in an endless string of activation dates for all eternity.

If I never have anything to do with them ever again it will be too soon. My advice at the moment is to go with O2 Broadband. Aside from when they could do nothing as Virgin was still ruining my life, they've so far done everything in a straightforward and pleasing manner. That said, after all the trouble I've had, my feeling towards home broadband is currently akin to the feeling one has towards food after having a particularly painful and violent case of food poisoning. If we're still connected in a fortnight with no problems, maybe I'll be back to my former gorging self.

In which an analogy is thinly veiled

Him: [thick Indian accent] Good evening, 3 mobile local milk delivery services, my name is Chandra, how can I help you?

Me: Hi, I'm a customer of yours and I'd like to cancel my phone contract milk round please.

Him: Ok, sir. Can I just check your name and address for my records?

Me: I'm Mr Bingle Bongle and my address is 33 Binglebong Road, Bingleton, Bongleshire.

Him: Thank you very much sir, please give me a minute while I bring up your records.

[HOLD MUSIC: "Valerie" by Amy Winehouse]

Him: Hello Mr Bongle, I've brought up your records now, and I see you've been with us for a fair amount of time now, can I ask you why you want to cancel your milk round?

Me: I've experienced poor service, and I've found a better deal elsewhere.

Him: Ok, I'm just going to have a look at the service level in your area, could you hold for a moment.

[HOLD MUSIC: Unidentifiable tinny dance music]

Him: Hello Mr Bongle? Yes, I've had a look at your address on the system and it seems like the milk service in your area is good.

Me: Well I've had a number of problems with it, and I'd like to cancel my milk round please.

Him: You know we've recently joined up with other local and national milk suppliers to give you an even better service, so the service in your area should really be excellent.

Me: Well, as I say, I've had a number of problems, and sometimes not recieved any milk at all, so I've signed on with someone else, and I'd just like to cancel my contract with you.

Him: Can I ask you what kind of deal you're getting from your new milk supplier?

Me: I'm getting 2 pints of skimmed, 2 pints of semi skimmed and six eggs every week. Also a bottle of lemonade.

Him: And how much are you paying for that?

Me: £x

Him: Please can I just ask you to hold for a minute, sir?

[HOLD MUSIC: "Valerie" by Amy Winehouse]

[HOLD MUSIC: Unidentifiable tinny dance music]

[HOLD MUSIC: "Valerie" by Amy Winehouse]

Him: Hello Mr Bongle? Yes, sorry for making you wait so long. I was just checking with a collegue, and we can offer you 2 pints of skimmed milk, 2 pints of semi skimmed milk and six eggs every week all of which can be used in a variety of cakes and desserts as well as numerous other dishes. And we don't have lemonade, but have you heard of cream soda? We can offer you cream soda. It's very comparable. And we can offer you that for £x too.

Me: I'm really not interested in getting a new deal from you - I've had problems with the service, as I say-

Him: The service in your area is very good.

Me: Well, I've had some problems with-

Him: You know we've recently joined up with other local and national milk suppliers to give you an even better service, so the service in your area should really be excellent.

Me: Anyway, I've already signed on with this new milk round now, so I'd just like to cancel the one I have with you.

Him: You know there is a two-week cooling off period, so even if you've already agreed to a contract with this other milk supplier, you can still cancel it and take up this deal that we are offering you.

Me: I'm genuinely not interested in your offer - please can I just cancel my milk round?

Him: Please hold for a second, sir.

[HOLD MUSIC: Unidentifiable tinny dance music]

Him: Ok, I've consulted with my collegue, and we can offer you the same deal but with 12 eggs a week rather than six, so you can see that this is now a better deal.

Me: I'm really not interested in-

Him: But why are you not interested, sir? We are offering you more eggs. You get twelve eggs every week, rather than six, and they can be used for cakes, desserts, a large variety of dishes. And we have offered you cream soda as well which is very similar to lemonade. So you can see that this is really an excellent deal. I'm able to offer you this contract because you have been a loyal customer and accumulated a lot of loyalty points. Why would you want to throw all those points away, sir?

Me: I don't think I can use twelve eggs a week. Even six will be a struggle. And I don't want any cream soda. Please can I just cancel my milk round?

Him: I am offering you a better deal sir. Why can you not see that?

Me: Please can I cancel my milk round?

Him: But why?

Me: Please can I just cancel my milk round?

Him: Please hold sir.

[HOLD MUSIC: "Valerie" by Amy Winehouse]

[HOLD MUSIC: Unidentifiable tinny dance music]

Him: Your milk round is canceled, sir.

Me: Thank you.

Him: Have a good day. Goodbye. *click*