I <3 ma box

I don't really know where this post is going to go, since I'm just kind of posting on a whim, but it's very rare I feel strongly about something, and I kinda feel like I should note down something when I do.

A little background first: My computer is generally great, no problems, no viruses, no hardware issues, no overheating (anymore), but it doesn't like restarting. I think it's because I've got my Windows partition on an SATA drive, which are kinda notorious for being slow to boot. Either way, it takes about 5 minutes to reboot Windows, much of which is spent with the screen ominously blank, and no real HDD or processor activity. Not optimal. In any case, usually it loads up fine eventually, and I've taken to leaving the room when it restarts so that I don't have to sit through what seems like an eternity of potential problems.

When I got home from work today, my computer was acting really oddly, freezing for several seconds at a time and not responding when I tried to close programs. I finally exited Windows, in about the least stylish manner possible (essentially shutting it down process-by-process). It finally logged out, but got stuck with the blue logout background on the screen and no cursor or keyboard response. "Gah", I thought to myself, "I guess I'll have to reboot it manually". I hit the reset button and went downstairs to make a sandwich.

However, when I returned, I found that the power was on, but both monitors were blank. Not good. Repeated reboots confirmed that this was not a glitch, but something more serious. Now, the point of this post is not necessarily the problem, or even the solution that I found, despite the amount of time and space I have spent setting it up. The point of the post, at least in my mind, is the effect that the appearance of the problem had on me.

Rather than calmly thinking through my alternatives and systematically testing out hypotheses and trying the possible solutions, as I would when faced with a programming problem, or a mechanical problem, or even a social problem, my brain shut down completely. If it had been a problem with my car, or my boiler or even my job, I like to think that I would have been able to calmly start thinking about what to do, but instead, I sat in my chair and stared at the blank screens. I really wanted to start solving the problem, but every time I tried to think about ways to test what was causing it, my brain started to blank. I distracted myself by thinking about how little I had backed up. I wished I'd spent more time clearing up old programs. I reminisced about the moments I'd bought each new piece of hardware, or particular moments I'd experienced using it.

Basically I reacted as though a close family member had been taken ill.

Whether or not this is a good thing, I'm not sure. I would estimate that I've probably spent more time using my computer since I first built it than I have interacting with any one person. Again, whether or not this is a good thing, I'm not sure. I know the structure and contents of the computer better than any person, and my interactions with the computer are easier and cleaner than with any person I know.

Part of the reason behind this comes down to my personality - I find it much more difficult to engage with people than others do. Part of it comes down to practicality - replacing/restoring all of the stuff on my system would take months. Finally, part of it comes down to the fact that for 7 or 8 years now, I have built, rebuilt, cleaned, added to, taken away from, broken and repaired it. I have spent a huge amount of money on it over the years, probably more than on any other single entity (apart, possibly from University). I have grown as it has grown, and changes in my personality have been reflected in changes in it's structure and contents. As I have found my directions in life, it has been moulded to my needs, and as I faced problems, it has helped me to overcome them.

While that was rather sentimental, melodramatic, and will probably provide me with huge embarassment to read back later, it does, to some extent reflect how I feel about my computer.

Imagine, if you will, that you had spent 8 years writing a book. Most of your spare time had gone into it. Some of it you are not proud of, but some of it you are. There are bits that reflect your lack of knowledge and there are bits that reflect its depth. It is your reflection in an imperfect medium, and though it is not you, sometimes the line blurs just a little.

Now imagine you came home and found it gone.


Now imagine you found it again.


Those are the emotions I have felt this evening. Please don't judge my melodrama harshly, if I did not write these things somewhere, they would be lost forever, and even if you feel that that would be no bad thing, some other poor soul may not.

N.B. My computer also has a lot of porn on it. That's probably part of the reason too.