Review | True Grit (2011)

The news that the Coen brothers were remaking True Grit, the film that won John Wayne his one and only Oscar, received a lukewarm reception from many moviegoers most of whom are probably a bit older than myself. Why remake a classic that features one of the most revered performances of a Hollywood legend like Wayne? Undoubtedly still resonating for some fans of the brothers' work is their decidedly hit-and-miss 2004 remake of The Ladykillers, to date both their their worst film and only other remake. Still, the Coens' resoundingly successful venture into the Western genre with 2007's No Country For Old Men gave more than a glimmer of hope. This coupled with the fact that they would again be teaming up with Jeff Bridges twelve years after his now iconic performance as The Dude in The Big Lebowski, one of their most beloved films, made calling the success or failure of True Grit a tricky task indeed.

The film tells the story of fourteen-year-old Mattie Ross (Hailee Steinfeld) who sets out to capture criminal Tom Chaney (Josh Brolin) who murdered her father and has since taken in with a band of outlaws led by "Lucky" Ned Pepper (Barry Pepper). She hires the services of US Marshal Reuben "Rooster" Cogburn (Bridges), who has encountered Pepper before, in order to do this. Also on Chaney's trail is LaBoeuf (Matt Damon), a Texas Ranger after the bounty on Chaney's head for the murder of a senator. LaBoeuf teams up with Cogburn, and despite both men's protestations, Mattie insists on joining them on the hunt as they head into the Colorado wilderness.

Any fears of the film being either an unnecessary or unsatisfactory remake are soon quashed. I almost put the word "luckily" at the start of the previous sentence, which would have been untrue - luck has nothing to do with it. This is purely great filmmaking from every angle. To call this a reboot is also untrue, as the Coens have apparently gone back to the original novel by Charles Portis in telling the story. Having never seen the 1969 version I can't draw comparison between that version and this; nor have I read the novel upon which both films are based, so faithfulness to the source material is also not something I can analyse. But the film should be judged on its own merits, and to do that is to find a genuinely excellent film.

The film doesn't contain a bad performance; a wealth of fantastic turns are on offer here. From her first moment on screen, Steinfeld has a presence, maturity and gravity that makes it quite mindboggling that this is her first big screen outing. She makes the character of Mattie her own immediately, providing a unique yet believable balance between the innocence and youth of her fourteen years and the quick wit and indomitable spirit of an adolescent who has already experienced the harshness that the world can present.

Damon, too, continues to show why he is one of the most reliably talented actors of today, bringing a stripped down authenticity to LaBoeuf that it's hard to imagine many other actors of Damon's generation being capable of. LaBoeuf's arrogance and enigma make him simultaneously repellant and intriguing and Damon's performance expertly provides the balance between these two facets of the character. Damon clearly relishes the classic Western heritage his character is swathed in, whilst never falling into parody or cliché. It's also worth noting that Damon handles to perfection the change that occurs in the way Laboeuf speaks midway through the film. It would be easy to turn the character into a mockery of his established self, but Damon incorporates this change seamlessly into what he's already created without missing a beat.

Deserving of mention too are Brolin as Tom Chaney and Pepper as Lucky Ned. Whilst both characters receive relatively small amounts of screen time, what they do with the scenes they have adds to the all-round excellence of the film. The calculated control of Lucky Ned contrasts wonderfully with the recalcitrance of Chaney.

However, it is undoubtedly Bridges as Rooster Cogburn who provides the film's most memorable character. The veteran actor never misses a beat, taking the character of Cogburn away from the one-dimensional grizzled lawman and imbuing him with a complex and enigmatic blend of mystery and candour. We get the impression that Cogburn is a man who has seen and done a great deal throughout his life, and what we see is just a snapshot of an immense character. It is the fantastic performance of Bridges that puts across a character of such enormity, whilst at the same time keeping him firmly rooted as an ordinary man. Cogburn is by turns intimidating, admirable, pathetic and amusing - it's therefore no surprise that elements of Bridges' previous Coen incarnation as Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski welcomely seep through here and there. It's hard to keep a grin from your face as you watch Cogburn barely stay in the saddle as he rides through the Colorado woodland drunk and not to let yourself see The Dude, just stranded in a different century.

True Grit doesn't simply get by on the performances of its cast, however. The story is genuinely gripping and, after a slow burning first act to establish Mattie and Cogburn, the tense and gritty scenes just keep coming until the inevitable showdown that both stays in keeping with the film's authentic approach and doesn't disappoint. This is also arguably the Coens most beautiful film with marvelous cinematography taking advantage of the landscape the story is set against and camerawork wonderfully reminiscent of the Western genre heritage. The quirky Coens-style moments are not as prevalent as in most of their previous films, but that's not to say it's not there. Early scenes between Mattie and a horse trader are vintage Coens; another where Cogburn and Mattie encounter a man wearing an entire bear skin (complete with head) will surely raise a smile for its sheer absurdity.

True Grit is one of those films that is simply a joy to experience. There is no part of it that is not of very high quality; nothing lets it down. The story may burn ever so slightly too slowly at the start, but this is soon forgiven for its deep, rich characters portrayed with universal excellence and the masterful control and artistry of the sibling directors at its helm.

9/10

Review | Love And Other Drugs (2010)

Love them or hate them, one thing that is certainly true of romantic comedies is that you know exactly where you are with them in terms of characterisation and plot development. Of all the contemporary popular film genres, the rom-com is the most reliably safe. Directors and actors remain firmly on the rails to produce middle-of-the-road cinema that they know has a definite audience who paid to see a film that will offer unchallenging viewing and nothing coming out of left field. True, straying from this tried and tested formula can sometimes produce surprisingly pleasing results - just watch (500) Days Of Summer - but it can also hatch cinematic turkeys that can't even provide the vanilla comedy of their unreservedly formulaic cousins. And whilst Love And Other Drugs isn't a complete and utter disaster, it ultimately veers firmly into the latter scenario.

Set in the mid '90s, the film tells the story of Jamie Randall (Jake Gyllenhaal), a salesman for drugs company Pfizer whose success comes from being one of the first people to sell viagra to medical practitioners. After talking his way into shadowing an influential doctor (Hank Azaria) Jamie meets Maggie Murdock (Anne Hathaway), a patient suffering from early onset Parkinson's. The two quickly form an almost entirely physical relationship, but this soon begins to develop into something more complex.

Technically, I suppose, Love And Other Drugs is a romantic comedy-drama (or "dramedy" for those whose time is too precious to say two words where one can be portmanteaued into existence) as it is clear some sections are there to make you laugh, and others are definitely not. One of the key problems in the film is that of balance; when providing comedy the scenes are simply not funny enough, or awkardly juxtaposed with pathos that makes you unsure of whether you should be laughing or not. Equally, when tackling more serious scenes, the emotion can seem limp - and at times almost completely absent - and the film quickly becomes tedious.

The reason behind this imbalance is that neither Gyllenhaal nor Hathaway's characters are very nice people, which makes it hard to care much about the things that happen to them. Soon after we are first introduced to Gyllenhaal's Jamie he is promptly fired from his job in a top-of-the-range electrical shop for unashamedly shagging his boss's girfriend in the stockroom. Receiving a punch in the face for his troubles, Jamie promptly reminds his irate former employer that he's owed a significant amount in commission and runs out of the store, flirting with a female customer all the while. Jamie comes across as shallow and arrogant from the start, which makes it very hard to care about - or indeed believe in - his emotional journey with Maggie later on. Gyllenhaal has proven in the past that he can deliver when it comes to challenging roles, but here his performance simply doesn't provide the emotional depth or connection with the audience needed to make his character either credible or appealing.

Anne Hathaway too struggles to lift Maggie off the screen, leaving her a collection of rom-com and tearjerker clichés that largely come across as irritating. The fact that Maggie is suffering from a disease rarely associated with the younger generation would seem a fairly easy way of generating sympathy for her; instead, Maggie comes across for most of the film as something of a self-obsessed bitch. Granted, suffering from Parkinson's at such a young age can't be easy, but there are so few moments in the film where Maggie shows even a modicum of care for anyone other than herself that it's hard not to consciously detach yourself from the character entirely. As a result of this, the handful of scenes where Hathaway does begin to bring some depth to her character's condition are rendered entirely useless.

With the two main characters so undesirable, it's not difficult to see why the story becomes tedious fairly quickly. After initially seeming like an extended fling, Jamie and Maggie's relationship soon moves into more involved territory (after much preening and self-obsession from both characters), but this shift is both hard to believe and hard to care about. By the film's halfway point I'd lost virtually all interest in their relationship: when Maggie begins to self-destruct, struggling to cope with the hopelessness of her incurable condition, I genuinely wasn't bothered whether Hathaway and Gyllenhaal's characters stayed together or broke off their relationship. The incredibly clichéd rom-com climax to the film, which seems somewhat out of place following the relatively less conventional format of that which has preceded it, might have felt a bit more disappointing had my attention still been held at that point. As it is, I wasn't all that surprised - it just felt like the filmmakers had given up hope on the film a bit later than I had.

Supporting characters are either achingly out of place (Josh Gad as Jamie's brother Josh feels like he's wandered out of a Judd Apatow film) or painfully underutilised - Jamie's sales partner Bruce (Oliver Platt) appears to be a character with a story potentially much more interesting and affecting than that of Jamie and Maggie, but sadly is relegated to the position of underdeveloped side character.

Considering Love And Other Drugs is based upon a non-fiction book, it's a shame that so many elements in the film are lacking in either dimension or authenticity. Love And Other Drugs has all the ingredients to potentially make it a refreshing and original take on the rom-com genre. But with misfire after misfire in terms of plot and script coupled with lacklustre performances by the leads, this doesn't even have the quick and easy bubblegum cinema charm of safer offerings in the genre. If there was a cinematic equivalent of viagra, Love And Other Drugs would require a lengthy prescription, delivering as it does a consistently disappointing performance.

3/10

Review Round-Up | January 2011

Caddyshack (1980)

A film that left me feeling decidedly nonplussed at various points throughout. Chevy Chase puts in the most successful and funny performance as the privileged and unsettlingly wacky Ty Webb. Bill Murray is also funny as the dimwitted Carl Spackler, although this is far from Murray's best work. Rodney Dangerfield's nouveau-riche Al Czervik is amusing, although over thirty years on both the character and Dangerfield's performance come across as decidedly dated. The film generally suffers from a lack of direction, with the story seemingly dropped without warning and then picked up again all the way through, allowing for some amusing stand-alone sequences but also some more tedious sections. Entertaining, and worth seeing to get some of those Simpsons and Family Guy references you've never quite recognised, but ultimately less than the sum of its parts.

6/10

Uncle Buck (1989)

A John Candy vehicle plain and simple, but undoubtedly a highly successful one. The plot's nothing to write home about - family crisis forces parents Bob and Cindy Russell (Garrett M. Brown and Elaine Bromka) to call Bob's brash brother Buck (Candy) to take care of their three children whilst they're away - and in the hands of anyone but Candy and director John Hughes this would be a very ignorable film. Candy entirely inhabits Buck, creating one of his most memorable characters, and owns every scene he's in, which adds up to the vast majority of the film. A pre-Home Alone Macauley Culkin shows why he became such a huge child star in the early '90s, giving a charming, cute and genuinely funny performance as Buck's nephew Miles. Jean Louisa Kelly as older sibling Tia also provides a pleasingly acerbic turn in an entertaining battle of the wills with her uncle. This is Candy's show though, and he truly delivers with a genuinely very funny performance punctuated with a handful of well-handled more emotional scenes. This might not be the most lauded of Hughes' films, but his innate ability to understand and bring out pure entertainment from everyday people makes this film a great pleasure.

8/10

Hot Shots! (1991)

Hot Shots! very much wants to join the heights of success and popularity that both Airplane! and The Naked Gun films enjoyed, and at times the humour comes close to the sharpness of those films. Charlie Sheen as Topper Harley plays things pleasingly deadpan, recalling (although never coming close to the heights of) Leslie Nielsen as Frank Drebin, and giving the film a sound foundation on which to build its ridiculousness. Lloyd Bridges as Admiral Tug Benson is also a surreal delight throughout. But although the jokes largely hit their mark, too often it feels as though you're waiting for the next laugh to come, and the story and performances are ultimately nowhere near strong enough to prop things up when the humour is absent. That said, Hot Shots! is enjoyable and entertaining with enough examples of sharply observed comedy to make it worthwhile viewing.

6/10

Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993)

Pretty similar in many ways to Hot Shots! with the main focus of parody moved from Top Gun to the Rambo franchise. All the things the first film did right are done right here too, and thankfully several of the problems seen previously have been remedied. There are fewer gaps between laughs, and the gaps that are there are shorter and more bearable. The humour is better crafted with well-placed parodies and references that draw from a pleasingly broad range of films - look out for nods to everything from Terminator 2 to Lady And The Tramp - and the vast majority of these are successful. There are also a handful of great moments where the film touches on postmodernist humour. A conversation between Topper (Charlie Sheen) and his love interest Romada (Valeria Golino) on the nature of film sequels is particularly well done, and followed quickly by a brilliant reference to another Sheen movie. Not a quite classic, but consistently enjoyable and very funny.

7/10

Dumb & Dumber (1994)

The film that, for better or worse, spawned a thousand "gross-out" imitators and successors. Few have reached the idiotic heights of Harry (Jeff Daniels) and Lloyd (Jim Carrey) however. Daniels and Carrey have genuine chemistry and give it their moronic all throughout, both as a duo and individually. Daniels takes to the role brilliantly, and Carrey gives arguably his best "rubberface" performance. The Farrelly Brothers get the comedy spot on, with gag after gag hitting the mark. Seventeen years on and this is still a complete hoot from start to finish.

8/10

Click (2006)

Incredibly patchy and seemingly unsure of what type of film it wants to be. Sandler swings wildly in the message of using his "universal" remote control, from crude humour (pausing his life to fart into his boss's face or kick a love rival in the crotch) to much more sinister, heartless reasons (skipping having to "endure" spending an evening with his aging parents). The sudden switches between these two extremes is sometimes so sudden as to be uncomfortable. The key problem I had with Click is the same problem I've had I've had with other Sandler films, in that I found it very difficult to either like or care about Sandler's character. The ending also comes across as lazy, clichéd and ultimately unsatisfying. David Hasselhoff as Sandler's boss is somewhat amusing, but becomes a bit tiresome before thankfully bowing out around halfway through. Christopher Walken's kooky performance as Morty (essentially Walken parodying himself) is Click's main saving grace, along with a James Earl Jones cameo in the film's most inspired moment. Not funny enough to be a comedy, not enough substance to be a drama, and ultimately far too preachy for its own good.

4/10

Twelve Monkeys (1995)

Fantastic performances from Willis and Pitt give the film the substance and depth needed to carry off the phantasmagorical story and cinematography. Gilliam's direction suits the themes and plot, and whilst the film occasionally becomes too entangled in its own concept, it never seriously takes away from the film's success. Both Gilliam's stylised presentation of the future and the present marry together well with a satisfying grittiness and authenticity that again helps to ground some of the film's more far-flung elements. Intelligent and bold film-making place Twelve Monkeys amongst the finest sci-fi films of the 1990s.

8/10

To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar (1995)

"It's like living in a Tex Avery cartoon" Vida (Patrick Swayze) comments to Noxeema (Wesley Snipes) at one point during the film, and this is exactly the way in which To Wong Foo... should be viewed - an over-exaggerated camp-fest that should be enjoyed way before anything else. And viewed this way the film is a great success. The trio of Swayze, Snipes and John Leguizamo make the film incredibly fun and all three give very impressive performances. The film's more serious elements, such as a spousal abuse subplot involving Arliss Howard and a predictably excellent Stockard Channing, are generally handled satisfactorily, but thankfully take a backseat to the humour. The cartoonish elements of the film are its biggest successes however - Snipes' Noxeema teaching the local men to treat women with respect in a very painful manner is a highlight. Almost certainly not a film for everyone, but if you can enter into the spirit of To Wong Foo... with an open mind and a light heart, there's a great deal here to enjoy and appreciate.

7/10

Did You Hear About The Morgans? (2009)

Sarah Jessica Parker struggles to make her character light enough, and Hugh Grant's befuddled Englishman in America comes across as noticeably tired. Together they aren't any better with a severe lack of chemistry throughout. It feels as though director Marc Lawrence has gone for a style harking back to the classic romantic caper films of yesteryear, but this for the most part backfires as the feel of both the film's plot and execution is cheap and clunky. Sam Elliot and Mary Steenburgen provide a welcome remedy to Parker and Grant, although they can only do so much with the lacklustre material they are given. The film's presentation of rural America is occasionally amusing, but much more often comes across as clichéd stereotype. A mediocre rom-com which aims low and achieves lower.

4/10

2011 Oscar predictions

The nominations for the 2011 Academy Awards were announced last week, bringing few surprises for many it would seem. The nominees in most categories seem to have followed what many predicted, and the general consensus appears to be that those who are nominated deserve to be there. With twelve nominations, The King's Speech is the front runner, with the Coens' True Grit pleasingly receiving ten, followed by Inception and The Social Network with eight each. Whether this will be an Oscar year of forgone conclusions or big surprises remains to be seen, but I thought I'd join the foray of predictions with my thoughts on how things might go in the main categories. You can find out all the nominees on the official Oscar website.

Of the ten nominees for Best Picture, I've only managed to see Inception, The Social Network and Toy Story 3 and I'm pleased that they've all been nominated. There's been a great deal of praise for all the nominees over the past year, but The King's Speech seems to be the film on everyone's lips. Black Swan might get a look in, and I'd be happy to see the Coen Brothers get another best picture win after No Country For Old Men in 2007. But with all the accolades it's already received, I'm going to go with the general consensus and predict The King's Speech will be victorious here.

Best Director is a tricky one to predict, as I've only seen The Social Network. But where is Nolan for Inception? Not to take anything away from the nominees, but it's a great shame to see him missed off. I'm guessing looking at the directors nominated that Inception was too much of a summer blockbuster to get a nod. Anyway, all the directors have been lauded for their work on the films here, so I'm going to plump for Fincher winning here because I've seen the film and the direction was ace.

I've not seen any of the Best Actress films (whoops), but I'm expecting Natalie Portman to claim it. As for Best Actor, again I've only seen The Social Network, but the buzz around Firth's performance in The King's Speech has been impossible to miss. I'm glad to see Jesse Eisenberg and James Franco in here, as both are great young talents who deserve to go far, but again I'm going to go with the consensus and predict Firth as the winner as it would seem foolish not to.

As I haven't seen any of the films for either Best Supporting Actress or Best Supporting Actor, I'm not going to give any predictions for them.

Great to see Mike Leigh nominated for Best Original Screenplay for Another Year (a film I very much want to see). Another category where I've only seen one of the films - Inception this time - and as Nolan seems to have been largely overlooked in other categories, I'm going to go with him winning this one.

Best Adapted Screenplay is a tricky one to call. I've seen two of the five nominated (The Social Network and Toy Story 3), and whilst it would be great to see the Coens win this with True Grit, I'm going to go with The Social Network to win this one as it's script was razor sharp.

From the rest of the categories:

• Best Animated Film has to be Toy Story 3.
• A shame to see Daft Punk's score for Tron: Legacy miss out on a nomination. I'd love Reznor and Ross' score for The Social Network to win this one.
• Inception for Best Cinematography, please.
• Good to see Banksy's Exit Through The Gift Shop nominated for Best Documentary Feature.

If I manage to see any more of the nominees between now and 27th February I'll be sure to update my predictions.

Review | Leap Year (2010)

Since her break-out performance in 2007's Enchanted, Amy Adams' career has been both varied and increasingly impressive. She brings a comprehensive authenticity to roles, from a feisty and energetic Amelia Earheart in Night At The Museum 2 to the understated and discomfortingly innocent Sister James in Doubt, in which Adams held her own supporting cinematic heavyweights Philip Seymour Hoffman and Meryl Streep. Adams has proven herself as a talent to watch, which makes it all the more disappointing to see her talents completely wasted in forgettable dross such as Leap Year.

Adams plays Anna Brady, a successful career woman who mistakenly believes her boyfriend of four years Jeremy (Adam Scott) is going to propose to her. When she realises her mistake, she follows the advice of her father (John Lithgow, sadly only in a cameo) to follow Jeremy to Dublin, Ireland when he travels there on business to propose on 29th February as, according to Irish tradition, a woman is allowed to propose to a man only on this day. After her flight is diverted from Ireland to Wales, she finally makes it to the small Irish town of Dingle where she manages to convince innkeeper and taxi driver (yes, really) Declan O'Callaghan (Matthew Goode) to accept the fare of transporting her across the country to Dublin. Their relationship begins at odds with each other, but naturally things change along the way.

Essentially, Leap Year follows the premise of countless other romantic comedies before it. Anna and Declan start off as polar opposites - her a preened and fastidious city girl, him a good old Irish country boy - but over the course of the film they grow much closer. Not that I wish to spoil the film, but if you've ever seen a rom-com you can work this one out for yourself. In terms of genre conventions the film plays things absolutely safe and down the line. This doesn't necessarily make Leap Year awful from the get go, but it does set things off on a decidedly average mark.

Things soon go downhill however. Leap Year contains some incredibly "Hollywood" geography, as Anna lands at Cardiff airport when her flight to Dublin is diverted due to stormy weather. Welsh ferries also out of action because of the storm, she then proceeds to sail from Cardiff to Ireland. In a tiny fishing boat. Manned by one fisherman. Through a raging storm. Yes, really. To cap it all, Dingle - where Anna ends up - is on the far side of Ireland to Wales. Whilst I appreciate the film is supposed to be lighthearted entertainment, with an opening act as ludicrous as Leap Year's it's hard not to become cynical.

The "Hollywood" geography is soon joined by painful Irish stereotypes, as pretty much everyone Anna meets in Ireland apart from Goode's character appears to be a grizzled old bumpkin who spouts superstitious nonsense. Research into Ireland done for the film appears to have consisted of little more than sitting in an Irish theme pub.

Unfortunately it's not just the minor characters who lack depth. Both Anna and Declan have hurried backstories tacked onto them at separate points to explain why they are the way they are (Anna obsessed with keeping to plans, Declan just a bit of an arse) as if the makers of the film suddenly realised their main characters were a bit flimsy and decided on the quickest and laziest way to remedy this. Suffice to say, it doesn't work. It also doesn't help that Adams and Goode have almost no chemistry whatsoever on screen. It's never believable that the two truly hate each other, even less so that they could suddenly fall head over heels in love.

There are worse films in the rom-com genre than Leap Year, but there are also plenty that are much more enjoyable. Adams does the best she can with the trite and predictable script, but she has proven herself to be much better than this and hopefully will steer clear of this kind of tosh in the future. Adams' performance and the views of the beautiful Irish countryside jointly earn Leap Year an extra mark, but this is ultimately a film with ridiculous plot points, cultural ignorance and nothing new to say. If it's lighthearted entertainment you want, watch Enchanted again instead.

4/10

Review | The Aristocrats (2005)

Making a documentary film about one of the filthiest jokes ever told might seem to many to be inviting controversy for controversy's sake. Upon its release, The Aristocrats did stir things up a little with one chain of cinemas in the US refusing to screen it. But the style and delivery of the film quickly demonstrate that the intention of filmmakers Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza here is not to directly shock or cause offence (although many watching The Aristocrats will no doubt be shocked or offended) but to look into the nature of comedy, of joke-telling and of the people who make their living in those fields.

The premise of the film is simple: to explore the origins and enduring appeal behind a joke known as "The Aristocrats" which has existed for decades since the vaudeville era. The structure of the joke, as explained within the first ten minutes of the film, is simple: there is little variation in the opening of the joke or the punchline, whereas the middle part of the joke is the exact opposite; it is the chance for the teller of the joke to make it his or her own through ad libbed and improvised description. And here's where the shock and offence come in: the intention of the teller is to make the middle section as boundary-crossing, taboo-breaking and downright filthy as they can.

Essentially, if you don't have a sense of humour, a strong stomach and are easily offended then it's likely that you'll get very little out of The Aristocrats. Jillette and Provenza's documentary consists almost entirely of interview footage of comedians, performers and members of the entertainment industry either talking about the joke or giving their own rendition of it. There are plenty of big names here (Robin Williams, Whoopi Goldberg and Chris Rock to name just three) but also many who aren't so well known, especially as all but a few of the comedians featured are American. The three Brits who feature are Eddie Izzard, Billy Connolly and Eric Idle (all of whom, incidentally, have very successfully broken the US market).

With around one hundred people interviewed throughout the film, and with humour being such a subjective and personal thing, there's bound to be a handful who don't quite hit the mark - Drew Carey comes across as smug and grating, and a ventriloquist act credited as "Otto & George" is neither funny nor successful at ventriloquism. But there's also going to be plenty of contributors who you will enjoy. With such a large amount of speakers in the film, in lesser hands the film could have become incredibly unfocused, but Jillette and Provenza keep things vibrant whilst at the same time drawing from the rich array of comedic talent and experience they have at their disposal.

That said, there are points when it's hard to judge what the purpose behind the film is. The opening ten minutes or so feel a little like a false start as we go straight in to the middle of George Carlin (undoubtedly one of the most captivating minds on comedy in the entire film) speaking about the origins of the joke without any form of introduction from the makers of the film. There are also sections throughout the documentary where people are talking about aspects of the joke or the ways it can be told where it is unclear why they are saying what they are saying at that particular point in the film. These sections make the film feel unfocused at times, and occasionally left me waiting for the film to find itself again and continue on a more meaningful track.

However, the good in The Aristocrats far outweighs the bad. The line between a comedy film and a documentary is expertly toed. The film never becomes dull, with many laugh-out-loud moments including regular fantastic renditions of the joke itself - Sarah Silverman's unique and unsettling version immediately springs to mind as a particular highlight. Jillette and Provenza never forget that they are documenters either, resisting the urge to turn the film into a lightweight series of sketches or clips from comedy shows. The film also succeeds in deconstructing what makes the joke successful as well as how each comedian's slant on the joke reflects their personality and brand of humour. Close analysis of comedy in this way can often destroy the entertainment within it, but once again the craftsmanship within the film makes sure this is never the case.

In The Aristocrats, Jillette and Provenza have produced both an entertaining and insightful look into the world of comedy, as well as a keen observation on the nature of comedy itself. Whilst it's not always completely clear what direction the film is going in, the ride is always thoroughly enjoyable. And although this is clearly a documentary about comedy, rather than a comedy film per sé, you'll find the laughs are consistent and the presentation pleasingly high in quality. Probably file this one in the "films not to watch with your mum" pile, though.

8/10

Hathaway, Hardy announced as Catwoman, Bane in "The Dark Knight Rises"

So the announcement arrived the other week that the villains in the third and final installment of Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy The Dark Knight Rises will be Catwoman and Bane, played by Anne Hathaway and Tom Hardy respectively. The reaction so far across the internet and elsewhere has been mixed, mainly towards Catwoman and Hathaway playing her. Many seem disappointed that Nolan has chosen to go with a well-known nemesis of Batman who has been portrayed more than once on screen already.

My initial reaction is one of positivity, and is in fact similar to when I first found out Heath Ledger would be playing The Joker in The Dark Knight. The choice of The Joker was criticised before that film was released with many questioning how Jack Nicholson's portrayal in the 1989 Burton film could be bettered. Then the casting of Ledger was equally scrutinised as doubts were cast on his ability to do the character justice. And then The Dark Knight was released and, at the risk of sounding cliché, the rest is history. Essentially, I trusted Nolan then and I trust him even more now.

Whilst Hathaway is more known for "lighter" roles in films such as Bride Wars and The Princess Diaries, she has also ventured into more challenging and quirky roles (her turn as The White Queen in Burton's Alice In Wonderland springs to mind in relation to those two adjectives in particular). Whilst she may still be proving herself to me and others, I believe Hathaway has the presence of screen and the versatility for the role. And not to hammer home the point too firmly, but similar things were said of Ledger when he was first announced as Nolan's Joker. Ledger was still proving himself; his most well-known performances prior to The Dark Knight, in films such as Brokeback Mountain and A Knight's Tale, hardly point towards his cerebral and dark turn.

In terms of Nolan's choice of villain being too mainstream, obvious or overdone, simply look at the critical acclaim that was heaped upon Nolan and Ledger for their reconstruction of Batman's most infamous foe following The Dark Knight's release and any fears should be quelled.

Anyway, I'm more excited about the other side of this story which currently seems to be being overshadowed by Hathaway's casting. I haven't seen Bronson, the film which gained Hardy notoriety, but he impressed me greatly in Inception and he must have caught the director's eye for Nolan to cast him in two films in succession. The only other actor who currently holds that honour is Batman himself, Christian Bale, in The Prestige and Batman Begins. The character of Bane also sounds like a fascinating choice allowing Nolan a great deal of scope and interpretation within his version of Gotham, as well as bringing some juicy potential character arcs for both himself and Batman to the closing installment. One thing I think can be seen as a certainty is that Nolan's Bane will be an innumerable amount of times more palatable than Joel Schumacher's abomination in 1997's Batman & Robin.

If the last two Batman films have shown us anything, it's that the Dark Knight and the world he inhabits are in some of the most capable hands in cinema in Nolan. He has my confidence in his decisions and will find me eagerly awaiting the next tidbits of information on The Dark Knight Rises whenever they should appear.

Review | Kick-Ass

Kick-Ass is undoubtedly one of the films that caught, and held, my attention the most in 2010. And not just mine, being as it was decried as much as it was lauded at the time of its release. Mainly by those who write for, or those who read, The Daily Mail. But if experience has taught us anything, it's that if something ires a Daily Mail writer/reader, it probably dares to stray significantly from the middle of the road and is worth checking out. Both of these things are true of Kick-Ass.

"How come nobody's ever tried to be a superhero?" is the question posed by Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) at the start of Kick-Ass, establishing from the get-go the high concept behind the film. So begins Dave's journey from being a high school nobody (and not even a particularly notable nobody at that) to becoming Kick-Ass, the first real superhero. Or so he thinks. Dave soon discovers through donning the mask and tight-fitting costume of a comic book crusader that, in actual fact, there are superheroes already out there, namely Damon Macready (Nicolas Cage) and his daughter Mindy (Chloe Grace Moretz), a.k.a. Big Daddy and Hit-Girl. And, of course, with superheroes must come the villains in the shape of mob boss Frank D'Amico (Mark Strong) and his associates. As Kick-Ass gains notoriety and popularity, Dave finds out more about those who he is fighting both with and against, and quickly realises that he may be in way over his head.

Matthew Vaughn, a director never defined by genre - his first two directorial efforts being Layer Cake and Stardust, films poles apart from both each other and Kick-Ass in both genre and tone - demonstrates his innate ability to strike the tone of the film quickly and accurately. The opening scene of Kick-Ass shows us a young man in a superhero costume diving off a skyscraper in expectation of flight, only to crumple violently onto a parked taxi below as onlookers gawp. A voiceover from Dave assures us that this isn't him, transforming the scene into something of a prologue to the story the remainder of the film will present, and establishing the key premise of Kick-Ass - it is most definitely a comic book film, but one that refuses to sugarcoat what it might actually mean to become a costumed vigilante by keeping one foot somewhat firmly in reality. Think Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins but without all the privileges of having ridiculously advanced technology at your disposal and, y'know, being a billionaire, and you're some of the way there.

This dedication to placing the superheroes of the film into a more realistic world is followed through for the most part successfully and skilfully. During Dave's first act of heroism as Kick-Ass, he holds his own for the first ten seconds or so before being promptly stabbed in the stomach and then stumbling into the path of a speeding car, earning him a lengthy stretch in hospital. Similarly, Big Daddy and Hit-Girl go against the usual superhero credo of "no guns", the walls of their home being lined with all manner of firearms to use during their crimefighting exploits. Nonetheless, our heroes still most definitely feel like heroes, as opposed to just some people who've put on outlandish costumes. We believe in Big Daddy, Hit-Girl and, eventually, Kick-Ass as credible superheroes. Vaughn's balancing of these two competing elements is tight and well-judged for the majority of the film, presenting a fresh take on a genre that has needed and received more rebooting than most in recent years. Kick-Ass is its own reboot and it knows it.

Whilst the film's tone and presentation are largely a success, that's not to say there aren't flaws. Vaughn, along with co-scriptwriter Jane Goldman, do stumble into some pitfalls of the action genre. Some of the supporting characters feel too one-dimensional, especially on a second viewing. Dave's friends Todd and Marty (Evan Peters and Clark Duke) become increasingly stereotypical "comic book nerds" as the film progresses despite admirable performances from both actors. A far worse offender is Marcus (Omari Hardwick), a former colleague of Damon who is given so little depth it is difficult to buy into the key role we discover he played earlier in the lives of Damon and Mindy. The subplot of Dave becoming friends with his high school crush Katie Deauxma (Lyndsey Fonseca) by allowing her to think he's gay also feels somewhat thin, and the conclusion of that particular story within the film severely lacks credibility, even by comic book standards. Putting a little more into these characters and plots to make them more than just cookie-cutter elements already seen in countless other films would have helped to seal some of the cracks that can be seen occasionally in Kick-Ass.

That said, you have to look pretty closely to see the imperfections. Kick-Ass succeeds far more than it fails, and considering how high Vaughn continually raises the bar, this is a considerable achievement. The action sequences are some of the most vibrant and well-executed I have seen in an action film in recent years, with the film's climax providing scenes that will leave you in awe of Vaughn as director and the cast delivering them. After an unsure opening chapter which feels unsure of its purpose, the film gains momentum as it progresses. It becomes bolder and more confident in its endeavour as well as allowing itself to become increasingly and pleasingly ludicrous, and succeeding on both counts. Case in point: Kick-Ass' magnificently over-the-top entry into the final foray will either make you say "Really? That?!" or "Best. Entrance. Ever." - most likely a mixture of the two - but you'll soon be rubbing your hands with glee either way. It's very difficult to deny how consistently entertaining Kick-Ass is.

A key component to the film's success is undoubtedly the cast. Johnson as Dave Lizewski barely puts a foot wrong, making both Lizewski and his eponymous superhero alter ego credible and genuinely likeable. Strong too is also satisfying as Frank D'Amico, bringing little that is new to the mob boss role but certainly making D'Amico his own. Christopher Mintz-Plasse as D'amico's son Chris, later becoming superhero Red Mist, continues to successfully shed the curse of "McLovin" that he began to throw off in Role Models and proves himself to be a talent worth watching.

The film, however, is undeniably stolen by Moretz and Cage both individually and as a duo. Moretz's performance is astoundingly mature whilst bringing enough childlike qualities to the character of Mindy/Hit-Girl to make the performance authentic, heartfelt and highly original. Hit-Girl receives some of the finest lines in the whole film, and Moretz's delivery of these with precisely the right amount of tongue in her cheek makes the character vibrant, cool and unforgettable. Equally Cage - who despite being one of my favourite actors has undeniably produced some fairly ropey performances in his career - is on absolute top form here. Damon/Big Daddy is arguably the character we see develop the most throughout the film, and Cage's performance underpins this superbly. Cage presents all the elements of Big Daddy - a devoted father, an honest man wronged, an unhinged vengeance machine, an Adam West fan (you'll see) - in an expert balance that only an actor of the calibre of Cage at his best could manage so perfectly. And it is when he and Moretz share the screen together that Kick-Ass is at its very best. The chemistry between the two is a delight, and whilst presenting surely one of the most unconventional father-daughter relationships ever seen on film, the bond between Big Daddy and Hit-Girl is also one of the most honestly believable I can recall seeing for some time.

Kick-Ass is not successful in everything it attempts. However, its successes far outweigh its shortcomings, and many of the criticisms of the film must be rooted around for to be found. Vaughn has shown that he is not afraid to set himself challenging goals in his films and that he is more than capable of reaching them. Kick-Ass successfully both parodies and pays tribute to the comic book film, but at the same time creates something of much more depth and ambition. I would go as far as to say that this is a film of such quality that it now sits at the right hand of Nolan's Dark Knight in becoming what all future comic book adaptations will be measured against.

9/10

So Long 2010

Best film I saw at the cinema in 2010:

Kick-Ass
(honorable mentions: Toy Story 3, Up In The Air)

For one reason or another, I've watched films on DVD a lot more than going to the cinema this past year. Partly due to there being a smaller selection of films I've really wanted to experience at the cinema this year; partly due to time constraints, in that it's a lot quicker and simpler to put a disc in a DVD player than it is to head to the cinema; but also, partly for no reason in particular - the reasons I've just given are certainly with the benefit of hindsight, but neither was particularly prominent throughout the last twelve months. My selection was naturally narrowed therefore, but the films that I considered are in no way inferior to those of previous years. Toy Story 3 was very close to claiming the honour, as it's another Pixar masterpiece, rounding off the Toy Story trilogy faithfully to the characters and universe of the franchise that also proves that "threequels" and beyond can be fantastic pieces of cinema in their own right. Kick-Ass pipped it to the honour, being as it is a film of equally high calibre (but clearly very different genre and intention). Its triumph comes from its relatively minuscule budget and the perseverance of those who made it to make it a success. It's also not a sequel, whereas TS3 has the previous two films to help in its success. Kick-Ass is also one of the boldest and most uncompromising pieces of cinema of the whole year, or indeed any year. Up In The Air also deserved consideration for the great performances, polished direction and the uncanny balance of reality and hyperreality created within it.

Best film I saw (for the first time) on DVD in 2010:
Exam
(honorable mentions: Shutter Island, Inception, Blazing Saddles, A Serious Man, Synecdoche, New York )

All of these films stayed with me as something special, as films that chose to do things individually, setting challenging goals and reaching them sublimely. Shutter Island is another Scorsese-DiCaprio masterpiece with a unnerving Hitchcockian feel and superb craftsmanship throughout. Inception is one of the most original and ambitious films I can remember ever seeing, and solidifies Nolan as a truly special director. It took me far too long to see Blazing Saddles, but it's a genuinely innovative, unreserved and unequivocally hilarious comedy that will stay with me for the rest of my life. A Serious Man took my breath away with the Coens' masterful ability to build character and fly in the face of cinematic convention. And Synecdoche, New York is almost indescribable, but incredibly beautiful filmmaking from Kaufman, a perfect performance from Seymour Hoffman and is almost certainly the most cerebrally challenging film I've seen all year (yes, even more so than Inception).

So how did Exam manage to beat all these? Simply put, Exam excels in every single challenge it sets itself. It contains some of the finest storytelling I have ever seen in cinema. It shows that great cinema can rely almost solely on the writing, direction and acting and be a comprehensive success. And it inhabited my brain way after the credits had rolled. I was left exploring the world of Exam in my brain for a long, long time. A world which in many ways was only hinted at. Of all the many exquisite films I saw in 2010, Exam blew me away even more than the rest.


Best TV show that I saw for the first time in 2010:
Life After People

I didn't watch a great deal of new TV this year. I picked up Life After People cheap on DVD after being intrigued by the idea. And it's a very entertaining watch. It mixes the ludicrous with the highly technical in a way that's never really appealed to me before. It's almost certainly a guilty pleasure, but sometimes that's exactly what you need. If you've never seen/heard of Life After People I urge you to give it a go. If nothing else, you'll have a laugh - whether at its entertainment factor or at its expense.

Best TV show that I continued to watch in 2010:

Lost
(honorable mention: Doctor Who)

Doctor Who went from strength to strength with a fantastic send-off for Tenth Doctor Tennant at New Year followed by a series of equal if not greater success introducing the team of Stephen Moffat taking over as executive producer and new Doctor Matt Smith. The series felt rejuvenated after a quiet year in 2009, with Smith making The Doctor entirely his own whilst at the same time bringing just as much warmth and vibrance to the role as was recognisable in Tennant's incarnation, and Moffat introducing a slightly darker tone to the series overall, countering the slightly overindulgent and flabby feel that previous executive producer Russell T. Davies had delivered towards the end of his tenure.

But I just cannot ignore Lost's final season. Not as successful overall as Season 5 (especially on a repeated viewing), but keeping things fresh and innovative with the "flash-sideways" timeline whilst at the same time providing enough answers (with "enough" being the pivotal word) to bring the series to a satisfying and fitting conclusion. Many were unhappy, but when a series generates as much intricate mythology and fan theorising it's an inevitability. Personally I loved it. Lost is the best series from the first decade of the 21st Century, and the best bar one (The West Wing, if you're interested) that I've ever seen.

Best singles of 2010:
DJ Fresh - Gold Dust

Cee-Lo Green - Fuck You

Magnetic Man - I Need Air

Duck Sauce - Barbra Streisand

Best albums of 2010:

Sadly, I don't have even one best album of 2010. The new albums from The Chemical Brothers, Scissor Sisters, Fatboy Slim & David Byrne, Daft Punk and Royksopp may have been candidates if I had got round to getting hold of them. Equally, I've briefly enjoyed new albums from Magnetic Man, Richard Cheese, Gorillaz and Goldfrapp this year, but don't feel I've listened to them enough to warrant judging any of them as best albums. In the past, none of these albums would have slipped through my fingers, all receiving at least a few listens each. Unfortunately it seems to have been my enthusiasm for music that has fallen by the wayside this year due to increasing demand of my time for other unavoidable commitments, and it's something that even as I type leaves me feeling quite disappointed in myself. All I can do is endeavour to significantly improve upon this in 2011.

A thin year in some ways (I haven't been to see any live shows for a good couple of years now), and I hope that 2011 is a year where I can pick up some interests that have dropped off slightly in recent times. Whether that is actually achievable remains to be seen, but the intention has now at least been stated and here's hoping it will be fulfilled, at least in part.

Telf's (embarassingly meagre) Filmography 2010

Toy Story 3
Keeps up quality of previous offerings. Well told story that will appeal to all and impeccable presentation. Funny and moving at times, and never dull.
9/10

Inception
Brilliantly original and uncompromising.
10/10

Shrek Forever After
Lacking in ideas. Very few entertaining moments - hanging off its previous incarnations like an old sitcom.
3/10

Despicable Me
Funnier and cuter than Shrek, but really very kid-oriented.
5/10

The Other Guys
Occasional moments that work, but mostly just feels like everyone involved is just treading water.
5/10

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
Pushes so deep into the culture that it is trying to reference that it sometimes loses its grip on the plot. Mostly very entertaining, though.
9/10

Films I would like to have seen:
Genuinely too many to mention...

BamBi's Filmography 2010

Simple really. Every film released in 2010 that I've seen, reviewed in no more than twenty five words. See 2009's, 2008's and 2007's editions for reference.

Released in 2010:

Up In The Air

Very difficult to fault. Clooney, Farmiga and Kendrick collectively barely put a foot wrong. A sharply written and directed film of very high quality.

9/10

Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief

Too slow, with flat characters and decidedly average execution. Feels like it's being forced into filling the Potter-shaped hole on the cinematic horizon.

5/10

Alice In Wonderland

Burton and Carroll should have been the perfect combination. Instead we get a "lite" version of both and a storyline reject from Narnia.

6/10

Valentine's Day

Think Love, Actually set in America on February 14th and you're pretty much there. Cardboard cut-outs tumble through the paper-thin story. Yawn.

3/10

Kick-Ass

A tour de force of action and superhero cinema. Original, highly polished, pleasingly gritty yet authentically comic book in style. The cast are collectively superb.

9/10

Whip It

Page impresses again, counterpointed superbly by Harden, Wiig and Lewis. Indie style direction from Barrymore gives this a satisfyingly rough finish. Well made, very enjoyable.

7/10

Iron Man 2

Downey Jr. shines again, Cheadle, Rourke and Rockwell are welcome additions. A simple yet effective story allows the characters and action to successfully drive this.

8/10

Sex And The City 2

Self-indulgent, too long and barely a storyline in sight. A generous helping of cultural ignorance makes sure this one goes down painfully and uncomfortably.

3/10

Toy Story 3

Pixar at their charming, beautiful best. Masterful, with genuine humour and emotion in perfect balance. The ideal swan song for a loved and respected franchise.

9/10

Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire

One part emotionally uplifting to three parts punishing. Mo'Nique stands out from a wealth of strong performances. Powerful and well-crafted. Steel yourself before watching.

8/10

I Love You Philip Morris

Carrey is strong in the lead, and McGregor provides solid, understated support. Unfocused and meandering at times, but ultimately funny, entertaining and well made.

7/10

Exam

Outstanding human drama that is cerebral, tense and enthralling. Sets the bar high and exceeds it continuously. Virtually flawless. My film of the year.

10/10

Shutter Island

Tense, psychological and engrossing. Scorsese and DiCaprio make a perfect pairing once again. Classically Hitchcockian with a charmingly modern finish. High quality cinema.

9/10

The Social Network

Sorkin's tight, sharp writing marries brilliantly with Fincher's raw, moody direction. Eisenberg steals every scene; Garfield and Timberlake are winningly strong in support.

8/10

Four Lions

A disconcerting, albeit satisfying, mix of realism and farce. Despite somewhat lacking focus, Morris' searing humour and pitch-perfect satire are as sharp as ever.

8/10

Hot Tub Time Machine

A simplistically ludicrous plot allows plenty of genuine humour. Cusack is a strong and agreeable lead. Knows what it wants to be, and succeeds.

8/10

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 1

Better and darker than recent Potter outings, but still pedestrian from Yates and most of the cast. Half a film, so ultimately imbalanced and unsatisfying.

6/10

The Lookout

Great heist film that presents familiar genre elements well yet adds enough originality to the mix to elevate it further. Gordon-Levitt is superb.

8/10

The Tourist

Depp and Jolie do well, but this is plodding with an ending that renders the story ludicrous. Especially disappointing considering this could have been excellent.

5/10

Inception

Brave cinema, captivating from start to finish. Pleasingly gritty, breathtakingly fantastical cinematography. A wealth of outstanding performances from the year's strongest cast. Difficult to fault.

9/10

And those from 2010 I missed...

A Prophet

A Town Called Panic

Bitch Slap

Buried

Catfish

Creation

Daybreakers

Death At A Funeral

Dinner For Schmucks

The Disappearance Of Alice Creed

Exit Through The Gift Shop

The Expendables

Green Zone

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

The Killer Inside Me

Lebanon

Machete

Megamind

Predators

Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

Red

Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Undead

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

The Town

Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives

Valhalla Rising

The Wolfman

Youth In Revolt

And to finish, my top five films first watched (but not released) in 2010

A Serious Man

Adventureland

Blazing Saddles

The King Of Kong: A Fistful Of Quarters

Synecdoche, New York

Not the most film-packed year compared to previous lists, but I've managed to see quite a few films from previous years on DVD or online this year - I saw nine of the twenty one films I listed as ones I missed at the end of my 2009 list - so overall I'm satisfied. 2011 looks to be an interesting year in terms of cinema - lots of franchises continuing or finishing (Transformers 3, Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, HP7 Part 2) so I'm hoping there'll be plenty of quality to fill in the gaps between the box office pleasers.

Top 8 Rubbish Christmas Songs

8. Basshunter - Jingle Bells

Obviously I have nothing against Jingle Bells. I do have something against it being turned into yet another piece of chart trance shit. This doesn't even have a hint of tongue in cheek about it.

7. Ronan Keating & Moya Brennan - Fairytale Of New York

When the original is so good, why would you bother to remake this Christmas song? Especially in such a bland, sanitised way. It's always going to be compared to the original, and when this actually makes the song sound like nothing special that's never going to be a good thing. Awful, but more importantly, totally pointless. This is what The Pogues episode of Glee would sound like.

6. Cliff Richard - Millennium Prayer

Cheap and nasty Y2K cash-in from Cliff Richard. He didn't write the music (it's "traditional", so Cliff didn't even have to pay to use it) or the words (those would be God's, and I'm sure he didn't ask for any royalties either). Fair enough it was for charity, but that doesn't stop it being pants. Still rears its ugly head around Christmas time every so often. Would be higher if it had more exposure today.

5. John & Yoko And The Plastic Ono Band With The Harlem Community Choir - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

A controversial choice I suppose, but I always skip this when it crops up on my Christmas compilations. I have my reasons. For one, it's just really dreary. Slow, almost dirge-like in places. Second, it's pretty depressing. I'm sorry, but I don't want to think about war at Christmas. I can think about how terrible war is and what I can do to help the rest of the year, but I don't want two hippies preaching at me through a Christmas song about it. Band Aid did it the right way in the '80s, but Lennon misses the mark here. Thirdly, Yoko Ono "sings" on it, and any Christmas song warbling all over it can just bugger off as far as I'm concerned.

4. Robson & Jerome - I Believe (Click here)

Awful, just awful. The only reason this isn't higher is that it seems to have sunk without a trace in recent years (along with R&J's music careers), but it's still cropped up on a few Crimbo compilations in its time. The only claim this can have to being a Christmas song is having a bloke dressed as Father Christmas in the video and Robson and/or Jerome stating the fact that it's meant to be Christmas. It wasn't even Christmas number 1.

3. Frankie Goes To Hollywood - The Power Of Love

Nothing to do with Christmas, apart from the tenuous link that Christmas is a time for love. I'm pretty sure this one only crops up on Christmas compilations because of the music video, which is Christmassy, although apparently only because the song was released near the festive season. Also, it's dreary and just boring, and that's not what I look for in my Christmas songs.

2. East 17 - Stay Another Day

Crappy boy band ballad sung by four blokes who clearly had a hand in the creation of chav culture. No part of the song has anything to do with Christmas in any way. The only thing that links the song to Christmas is that it happened to be 1994's Christmas number 1. And no, putting on parkas, shoving some snow over the top of your music video and some tubular bells at the end of your record doesn't change that. I really really wanted to put this as my top pick, but I just couldn't put the atrocity that's there anywhere else...

1. The Wombles with Roy Wood - I Wish It Could Be A Wombling Merry Christmas Every Day

A "mash up" which essentially destroys two 1970s Christmas songs at the same time: one that's pretty forgettable (A Wombling Merry Christmas by, well, The Wombles surprisingly); and, much more distressingly, one that's undoubtedly a modern Christmas standard - Wizzard's I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day. Have a listen if you've never heard it before. Starts harmlessly, if pointlessly, enough. Roy Wood sounds like someone doing a bad karaoke version of his own song, which is pretty pathetic. But then we get to the chorus. Oh dear lord, the chorus! THE CHORUS!! How did anyone hear that travesty of bodged lyrics and crowbarred extra notes that simply don't fit, and think this was worthy of releasing? It's just dire. It makes my skin crawl. This one has so much wrong with it that it beat East 17 to the top of my list - that's how much I hate this one.

Christmas Movie Haiku

Home Alone

Culkin foils the thieves;

But the true miracle is

Pesci doesn't swear.

*

Jingle All The Way

Festive comedy:

Arnold Schwarzenegger stars...

Festive comedy?

**

Love, Actually

Christmas equals love

As long as you're white and straight.

Merry Middle Class!

***

The Holiday

Transatlantic love

Standard sappy rom-com fare...

What the fuck - Jack Black?!

****

Elf

Ferrell's tall and thinks

He's an elf but he isn't.

That's the only joke.

*****

The Muppet Christmas Carol

Caine sings with puppets?

A blue furry Charles Dickens?

Sharp retelling? Yes!

******