Thursday, 18 December 2008


So picture the scene. Big London theatre. Glitzy night out. A group of us on our way to see a certain comedian. Delightful. As we traipsed through the wood-panelled and richly carpeted interior, we came accross an employee of the theatre, standing in front of the door apparently leading to our seats. Dressed smartly, and with a polite smile on his face, this gentleman was clearly epitomised the stylish, classy experience we had come to the theatre for. However, he still stood between us and our seats. Hoping for directions to our place in row P, one of my companions held out her ticket towards him and asked "P?", hoping to be ushered through. His response? "The toilets are just through there, madam". And to our laughter and my companion's faux-shocked "what kind of woman do you take me for", he offered only a shrug and the cryptic "Welcome to Shaftesbury avenue, mate" in response.

Now we're on a bus in beautiful suburban Putney. Towards the back of the bus are two kids on their way to school. I guess about 9 or 10. They're behind me, so I can't really see. Unfettered by any adult supervision. Apparently playing some sort of game.

Boy: "Look, there's a silver car"
Boy: "Made you look" *punch*
Girl: "Ow."
Boy: "Look, there's a house"
Boy: "Made you look" *punch*
Girl: "Ow."
Boy: "Look, there's a lamp-post"
Boy: "Oh my gosh, look... look!"
Boy: "Oh my days. I made you look" *punch*
Girl: "Ow."

at this point, the girl was apparently becoming wise to his subterfuge, and so he had to change the game they were playing in order to continue with the fun.

Boy: "Double E" *punch*
Girl: "I thought we weren't playing that any more"
Boy: "We're always playing it. Double A" *punch*
Boy: "Double P" *punch*

it became apparent that they were looking at repeated letters on anything outside the bus, particularly number plates.

Boy: "Double N" *punch*
Girl: "Double V" *punch*
Boy: (spotting a sign with a telephone number on it) "Double O. Triple O." *punch* *punch* *punch*
Girl:"What do you call it when there's four O's?"
Boy: "Qu-triple O" *punch* *punch* *punch*
Girl: "Ow."
Boy: "Double upside-down M" *punch*
Boy: "Double Z. Double G. Double 4" *punch* *punch* *punch*
Girl: "Where? You're making them up!"
Boy: *laughs*

And finally some shorter ones, such as the guy on the train who broke off his conversation with his mates about the amount they'd be drinking that evening to watch a woman walk past them and leave the train and then remark to his companions: "Ooh, big legs... big legs". It wasn't clear whether this was a compliment or not.

Or the girl behind the bar, who felt the heat coming out of a freshly opened dishwasher and stated "Ooh, I'm right cold. I wish I was a glass, so I could just sit in there all night".

Or the guys on the tube who went from discussing business, to giggling like schoolchildren when someone farted nearby. "That's good!" one of them pronounced. "That's fucking Camembert!"

Who needs an ipod when the people around you can be so entertaining.


Andy J. Wotherspoon said...

Ahhh quality. The world can be awesome. All I witnessed today, through my headphones, was a baby screaming it's head off.; When I left the train it's mother was trying to stop it making the wracked by holding her hand over it's mouth, needless to say this wasn't helping in any way and was probably attributing more to it's crying and proved her parenting skills where lacking somewhat.

Anonymous said...

On a train on the way into Central London on Boxing Day, two girls were describing the highlights of their respective Christmas Days, using a large amount of expletives. One highlight of said conversation:

"I fuckin' love Boggle. I'm fuckin' sick at Boggle".