Friday, 13 February 2009

In which an analogy is thinly veiled

Him: [thick Indian accent] Good evening, 3 mobile local milk delivery services, my name is Chandra, how can I help you?

Me: Hi, I'm a customer of yours and I'd like to cancel my phone contract milk round please.

Him: Ok, sir. Can I just check your name and address for my records?

Me: I'm Mr Bingle Bongle and my address is 33 Binglebong Road, Bingleton, Bongleshire.

Him: Thank you very much sir, please give me a minute while I bring up your records.

[HOLD MUSIC: "Valerie" by Amy Winehouse]

Him: Hello Mr Bongle, I've brought up your records now, and I see you've been with us for a fair amount of time now, can I ask you why you want to cancel your milk round?

Me: I've experienced poor service, and I've found a better deal elsewhere.

Him: Ok, I'm just going to have a look at the service level in your area, could you hold for a moment.

[HOLD MUSIC: Unidentifiable tinny dance music]

Him: Hello Mr Bongle? Yes, I've had a look at your address on the system and it seems like the milk service in your area is good.

Me: Well I've had a number of problems with it, and I'd like to cancel my milk round please.

Him: You know we've recently joined up with other local and national milk suppliers to give you an even better service, so the service in your area should really be excellent.

Me: Well, as I say, I've had a number of problems, and sometimes not recieved any milk at all, so I've signed on with someone else, and I'd just like to cancel my contract with you.

Him: Can I ask you what kind of deal you're getting from your new milk supplier?

Me: I'm getting 2 pints of skimmed, 2 pints of semi skimmed and six eggs every week. Also a bottle of lemonade.

Him: And how much are you paying for that?

Me: £x

Him: Please can I just ask you to hold for a minute, sir?

[HOLD MUSIC: "Valerie" by Amy Winehouse]

[HOLD MUSIC: Unidentifiable tinny dance music]

[HOLD MUSIC: "Valerie" by Amy Winehouse]

Him: Hello Mr Bongle? Yes, sorry for making you wait so long. I was just checking with a collegue, and we can offer you 2 pints of skimmed milk, 2 pints of semi skimmed milk and six eggs every week all of which can be used in a variety of cakes and desserts as well as numerous other dishes. And we don't have lemonade, but have you heard of cream soda? We can offer you cream soda. It's very comparable. And we can offer you that for £x too.

Me: I'm really not interested in getting a new deal from you - I've had problems with the service, as I say-

Him: The service in your area is very good.

Me: Well, I've had some problems with-

Him: You know we've recently joined up with other local and national milk suppliers to give you an even better service, so the service in your area should really be excellent.

Me: Anyway, I've already signed on with this new milk round now, so I'd just like to cancel the one I have with you.

Him: You know there is a two-week cooling off period, so even if you've already agreed to a contract with this other milk supplier, you can still cancel it and take up this deal that we are offering you.

Me: I'm genuinely not interested in your offer - please can I just cancel my milk round?

Him: Please hold for a second, sir.

[HOLD MUSIC: Unidentifiable tinny dance music]

Him: Ok, I've consulted with my collegue, and we can offer you the same deal but with 12 eggs a week rather than six, so you can see that this is now a better deal.

Me: I'm really not interested in-

Him: But why are you not interested, sir? We are offering you more eggs. You get twelve eggs every week, rather than six, and they can be used for cakes, desserts, a large variety of dishes. And we have offered you cream soda as well which is very similar to lemonade. So you can see that this is really an excellent deal. I'm able to offer you this contract because you have been a loyal customer and accumulated a lot of loyalty points. Why would you want to throw all those points away, sir?

Me: I don't think I can use twelve eggs a week. Even six will be a struggle. And I don't want any cream soda. Please can I just cancel my milk round?

Him: I am offering you a better deal sir. Why can you not see that?

Me: Please can I cancel my milk round?

Him: But why?

Me: Please can I just cancel my milk round?

Him: Please hold sir.

[HOLD MUSIC: "Valerie" by Amy Winehouse]

[HOLD MUSIC: Unidentifiable tinny dance music]

Him: Your milk round is canceled, sir.

Me: Thank you.

Him: Have a good day. Goodbye. *click*

3 comments:

happylittlecynic said...

I feel your pain. Oh God I feel your pain.

Except that with O2 the hold music is a horribly distorted, orchestral version of "The animals march in two by two".

*twitches*

Andy J. Wotherspoon said...

strangely I found it easy to cancel from Orange, my previous milk provider, I obviously hadn't built up any imaginary loyalty point with said milk distributing agency (how do they manage to get the milk to you via radio waves? I have to go to the co-op to get mine, that's why I cancelled my contract... er I mean, order) and so far O2 have been a nice provider of dairy.

I like the analogy, makes me smile. well done.

Hanspan said...

Martin, I had to listen to that music for about half an hour, three days in row, while I tried to sort them out sending me:
first) a new phone second
second) a new phone that worked
third) a memory card for said phone.

I'm so so so glad I've found someone else who has heard it so that I don't have to try to explain just how singularly awful it is. Shudder.