Saturday, 3 May 2008

In the absence of a womb...

... the only method I have to feel something growing within me (and, indeed, without me) is to try to force hair to emerge from my face. So, as is my right (and, indeed, my duty) as a man, I have been deliberately (as opposed to lazily) not-shaving for two and a half weeks. The result is less than impressive.

However, rather than the exquisitely sculpted goatee I had dreamed about since I was a small child, I appear to have constructed a patchy mess of itchy fur, the like of which would not look out of place on a twelve-year-old's lip. In addition (as with all previous times I have attempted to construct a natural facial covering), I have been the object of ridicule amongst friends and co-workers, and yea, even amongst the common men and women on the street.

This post is simply an affirmation that I will not be swayed from my epic task, that I shall not falter, even in the face of such overwhelming condemnation, that I shall continue to refrain from shaving-related activity for at least one more week. I shall also continue to use inappropriately flowery language (and excessive parenthesising) when blogging.

In celebration, then of this resolution, I give you three links and a photo, which is to say: two web comics, a tshirt and a distressing visage:

Dinosaur comics inspiration.

Dinosaur comics t-shirt.

Penny Arcade comic.

Also, yes, I bought a headset. And no, I have no one to talk to on it.


Andy J. Wotherspoon said...

As a fellow "bearded" human male with an unhealthy attraction to facial hair, I encourage you to continue your quest for the perfect beard. Unfortunately if you're anything like me you just don't have the genes. However from the photo you don't seem to be as deficient as I am. I have been cultivating my facial hair for oh about 7 years I think (potentially more) and have yet to produce something to be really proud of. I am currently battling my annoying habit of pulling, chewing (only the stuff that can be manoeuvred into my mouth, ie. bottom lip & side of mouth) and generally making my beard more patchy than it already is, thus forces me to shave it all off so it can grow back evenly. So far I've not been doing too bad so I continue my boycott on shaving.

Also I endured ridicule when I first went for the full beard thing. My favourite... no wait, LEAST favourite comment was that I resembled that of a Russian lady. Which hardly made me want to continue growing it, however a year or so later I still resemble a Russian lady but no one needs to say it any more as it's just my look :D

Anyway keep it up bro, beards ftw.

Anonymous said...

Beard-related commentary (slightly inebriated):

1. It fills me with something warm and fuzzy to know that the three primary contributors to this blog are men with beards. I'm not sure why. I think in my mind it gives the blog more gravitas.

2. From the photo, your beard looks okay to me. Not quite Brian Blessed proportions, but definitely more than acceptable.

3. As a fellow beard-wearer, I can offer this advice. I've now had a beard for about three and a half years. My goatee works fine, but any time I attempt to grow anything more than that, it just looks shit. So don't give up. I would also advise shaving off the cheek sections of your beard, leaving you with a goatee. This will not only give your beard more definition, but also lets you see how your main beard is growing as the stubble reappears on the parts you shave. It's up to you, but (taking your photo as 1:1 in scale) I'd only keep the 'tache and about two inches either side of the lowest point of your chin at most. I think you'll be surprised how much getting rid of some of your beard will make you more satisfied with the part you keep. If you're anxious about removing any just yet, give it a few more days growth then have another look.

Hope that's helpful in some way. Keep at it. Like anything worthwhile in life, beard growth is something that requires determination, commitment and that won't happen quickly.

Andy J. Wotherspoon said...

I agree with bambi on so many points (ie all of them)

It's quite astonishing how much better a beard looks when you remove just the patchy areas on teh upper cheeks. I go from scruffy looking, crap beard growing bafoon, to swanky looking, neatly trimmed looking moron in a few swipes of a razor. Also you're lucky to have a relatively defined line between lip and chin, I lack this, it sucks. but I do have porno biker moustache.

immedia reaction said...

I would argue that the gravitas imparted to the blog by the beardedness of the authors is directly proportional to how much the attempt to grow said beard makes them look, to quote TP "a bit of a tit".

I'm not trying to discourage any of you.. but so many of my male friends grow beards and completely fail to look good with one. I don't think I know a single one who has managed to pull it off and not look severely prematurely aged/majorly uncool/pre-pubescent trying so hard to get in the pub while underage.

TheTelf said...

Hannah: So your saying that growing a beard will either make me look several years older or several years younger. Interesting.

The uncool bit: not a real big change.

Andy+Bambi: I shall do my best to keep the beard presentable in the hope that one day we can all meet up in the same place at the same time and weave our beards together in an orgy of follicle fetishism. Or just, you know, have a pint or something...

Anonymous said...

I'd just like to say my beard looks ace and I know it does. The last time I shaved it off my face looked strange. Plus my chin gets cold without it.